Women are women’s biggest enemies: Time to think differently

“Aurat hi aurat ki sabse badi dushman hoti hai.” We all have heard this innumerable times that we have lost count of it. But let us reflect on this more deeply. We often remember the iconic female in a negative role: Bindu, the seductive husband stealing vamp; Komolika, most well-known negative character of Ekta Kapoor or Lalita Pawar as a conniving mother-in-law. 

Before we reflect on the question: Why women are women’s biggest enemies? Why mother -in -laws are conniving to their daughter -in -laws?   Let us consider a different and a rarely asked question:  Why there are no battles of power between father-in-law and son-in-law? The reason is that their spheres are entirely different. Increased power of one does not mean reduced power for another. Women in virilocal society derive their power primarily from their husband and their son; who eventually become husband to another woman. Nivedita Menon cited in ‘Seeing like a feminist’, “Power struggles between women are inbuilt in patriarchal structure and are inevitable. This is not because they are women, but because they are put into positions that are pitted against each other.” Because of the internalised patriarchal social norms; women fail to reflect their own sufferings before rolling out the same on other women. It is also a fact that most of the crimes are committed against men by other men perpetrators (especially murder). Think about the bitter property issues between brother and brother or between father-in-law and son-in-law; but we never hear that men are men’s biggest enemies.    

Kallen Valen, author of ‘Twister Sisterhood’, said that in her survey 91 percent of the women frequently felt “current of meanness and negativity emanating from other females.” However; Sherly Sandberg cites several bodies of research that show an upward trend of women supporting women in business and government. But clearly, we are not yet there. In a survey, Jessica Stewart revealed that 61 percent of the women reported having being confronted by their female colleagues in the form of personal remarks, or with more aggression than normal interactions in their organizations. Despite our assumption about universal sisterhood; why do women find other women to be their biggest enemy? The answer lies in understanding the concept in a feminist theory called a patriarchal bargain. While being oppressed by patriarchy, women bargain their power by suppressing each other while keeping the system of patriarchy intact.  

As per a study published in ‘Social Psychology’, women are more likely to think negatively about sexually active female friends as opposed to male counterparts. We often find mothers policing their daughters than male members of the family. Any transgression by the daughters from the internalised gendered norms raises the question on their ‘mothering’ and are severely reprimanded by their husbands, family members and the world. A new mom and close friend once asked me, “As a psychologist, what advice would you give on how should I raise my daughter?’ I replied, ‘None. You are already bombarded by advice on how to be a good mother. You certainly don’t need more. You know what is best for your child.’ 

On 16th December 2012, New Delhi witnessed a horrific crime of gang- rape of a 23- year girl.  During a discussion about the incident in my class with undergraduate law school students; I found the students raising their concerns about why Nirbhaya stepped on a local public transport during late hours in Delhi. As per NCRB 2019 more than 35,000 rape cases were registered. With the majority of the rape cases go unreported, and an abysmally low conviction rate in rape cases; rape survivors often suffers from victim blaming. Very often our mothers and female friends fix our bra straps or tell us to behave. With phrases like, ‘taali ek haath se nahi bajti’ to ‘Why did you go on a date with a stranger’, we often find our female counterparts giving us advice and indulging in victim blaming. Barbara Gillin, a Professor of Social Work at Widerner University notes that crimes such as sexual assault, rape and domestic violence can occur with anyone irrespective of nationality, religion, caste but women especially find it difficult to come in the terms with it. The fact of the matter is that numerous research has time and again proved that violence against women is a universal phenomenon. Therefore, women develop a defence mechanism in the form of self- preservation where they preserve their self by believing that the victim is somewhere responsible for their own victimization. Women continue to believe that they will never step on an isolated public transport during late hours. Mothers want to keep their daughters in check for her choice of clothes, gender expression and marriage because the repercussions of patriarchal society. Mother in laws continue to suppress their daughter in laws and vice- versa because of power structure in patriarchal society. 

I think we all need to take a pause. We all need to think- How battle of a woman against another woman is also mocked and made fun of! We often refer to them as ‘Cat fight’, ‘Saas- bahu ka jhagda’ and trivialise them. We forget the struggles of women when they rise to power. We all are guilty: Men are guilty of not standing up for their wives, daughters and mothers. Women are guilty to trivialise their own battles by suppressing other women who are trying to make their mark.

But at the end of the day, it is women who are also fighting for women, it is women who are more concerned about gender equality, it is women who are concerned about male rights, it is women who are concerned about LGBTQ rights. It is time that we recognise and share stories of cooperation, support, solidarity and sisterhood. It is time we share stories of friendship, mutual support and partnership of women with other women. It is time we think beyond that women are women’s biggest enemy. It is time to think differently.   

*Patriarchy bargain *

When she got married, 

She fortnightly believed,  she is a daughter to new parents

She is a daughter who will be loved like a daughter that she was, 

First night of her married life.  

Undoing makeup of the bride that she is; 

He came, cuddled and said, “I want to be with you today.”  

She cuddled him back. 

Door knocked, they giggled and said, “You are not supposed to be together on the first night of your married life.” 

Indistinct and unclear it sounded; it was a test of her ‘purity’  

‘Rebelled’, ‘liberal’; that he was; ‘submissive’ and ‘apprehensive’; that she was 

He rejected to follow the custom.  

A mother saw her son arguing for another woman who is his wife, 

A mother who had anticipated and heard stories of son forgetting her

She felt betrayed and aggrieved   

Her son’s mistakes were no longer her mistakes

Unable to reflect on the injustices she once suffered from 

A daughter- in- law was called for the first time, “He is your husband. If you cannot resist for a night, you take responsibility for it.’ 

Felt naked, nymphoed 

 “My mistakes are my mistakes, 

His mistakes became mine”, she said

Patriarchy bargained their roles 

She is a daughter; who also became daughter-in- law.  

She is a mother, who also became mother- in- law 

A non- hypocritical reality- check: 

“You are my daughter- in- law. Not my daughter. You have a different place in this family. Daughters leave their families. Daughter- in- law stays. This is your family. This is your responsibility’ 

She respect her honesty. 

She felt overwhelmed.  

But was she prepared? 

In a fortnight; from the youngest child in the family; she became the eldest.

The fact that she will be loved 

She will be respected 

She will not be spoiled 

She will not be pampered 

The ownership of her mistakes was bargained

Her mistakes were her mistakes 

That his mistakes were hers too